Chaos Reigns: Splatoon 3: Side Order Impressions

From the earliest teases of Splatoon 3’s Side Order DLC two things were true. The visuals were intriguing and the details were sparse. Nintendo eventually put out a trailer to set expectations (“eventually” means a couple weeks ago)–and those expectations were weird. I was always going to play it, and I’m drawn to the strange like a deep-water mackerel to an anglerfish (a fitting metaphor for my relationship with most things Nintendo). After a few runs through the coral crusted tower at the center of this add-on, I can safely say I got what I came for. I feel qualified to explain how it all works–but I suspect only a specific kind of person is going to shell out 25 clams for it. 

First, I’m going to give a brief primer on what Splatoon is just in case you’ve managed to dodge it for the last nine years. Splatoon is a shooter for people who don’t play shooters in the same way Mario Kart is a racing game for people who don’t play racing games. It’s eccentric paintball. In a match, your success is usually determined by what percentage of the battlefield you manage to cover in your team’s vibrant ink (you play as anthropomorphic squid and octopi–small humans with tentacles for hair). That doesn’t mean that there isn’t value in “splatting” your opponents (after all, the less enemies running around means less of their multicolored ink gumming things up), but it’s possible to win even with terrible aim because your misses make messes that count towards that percentage. Being surrounded by the enemies’ ink feels suffocating. It sounds absurd on paper, but all the systems work so well together the franchise has become one of Nintendo’s most popular (Splatoon 2 is currently the sixteenth bestselling Switch game which is impressive for something without Zelda, Mario, or Pokemon in its title). With an emphasis on art, fashion, music, and customization, the series bleeds style. It’s effortlessly cool and has probably my favorite community in all of gaming. 

It’s also flooded with puns and that’s kinda my thing. 

For the Side Order content the developers decided to try something new–and that something is apparent as soon as Agent 8 (the octoling that returns as our protagonist) steps off the subway to the Order Sector. The primary colors are gone and have been replaced by a blank, white canvas. It’s disturbingly clean–like the giant box of Crayolas that served as the thesis of Splatoon has somehow been corrupted. 

This monochromatic makeover is directly linked to the results of the final Splatfest held for Splatoon 2 in 2019. Splatfests are regularly held weekend tournaments where the playerbase comes together to battle over some arbitrary debate (ketchup versus mustard, werewolves versus vampires, etc). The theme for that last fateful splatfest? Order versus Chaos. 

See what they did with the title?

Agent 8 is tasked with repeatedly climbing a skyscraper (the elevator conveniently only moves one floor at a time) and defeating whatever resides in the penthouse. On each level is a challenge arena that falls into one of five categories: moving an objective through checkpoints, defending zones, destroying spawn points, defeating speedy enemies, and navigating billiard balls into goals (don’t worry veterans, they’ve adjusted the latter since the Splatoon 2 DLC so it’s not as infuriating). Retries are extremely limited. Run out of continues, and you’ll be kicked back to the foyer to begin your climb again. Yes, this is a roguelite.  However, as long as nothing goes terribly wrong, most floors can be completed in one or two minutes. The simplicity takes some of the sting out of failure. The way the story and banter between characters thins with each subsequent run means you’ll be moving through those lower levels fast. 

Your survival revolves around the use of color chips that enhance your weapons and abilities. They slot neatly into a “palette” (a display that’s exactly what it sounds like–it’s as crispy and satisfying as an elementary school watercolor kit). In a fun twist, you get to choose your chips from a limited selection on each floor. The success of your run becomes a game of weighing the risks of better upgrades for completing more difficult objectives. Any chips you’re carrying upon death are converted to a different currency (prlz) which you can use to purchase permanent upgrades before your next attempt. I’d recommend investing in extra lives and damage resistance ASAP.    

Maybe the most impressive thing from a design standpoint is how much attention was paid to making sure everything is useful. Multiple times I picked a skill as an afterthought or simply because there appeared to be no better option–only to have that skill save me later when I was backed into a corner. It’ll be interesting to see what builds reign supreme when the community fully puts this content through its paces.  

There are bosses to mark your progress (I’ve seen four so far) and they usually offer one extra layer beyond shoot until dead. I won’t spoil any of them here, but I will say they put up a sufficient fight and the tutorial boss has Virtual Boy controllers strapped to the sides of her head. There are additional incentives for conquering the climb with different weapon loadouts (keys that unlock more weapons and more lore). You’re still only doing one thing, but at least you have reasons.    

The Splatoon soundtracks are universally excellent and this is no exception. It seems to specifically take inspiration from The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (the whole package has a similar feel to the shrines in the most recent iterations of Hyrule). It’s minimalist–but there’s just enough notes to set your nerves on edge. It’s as uneasy and dissonant as it is beautiful. 

Whether Side Order is for you comes down to two embarrassingly obvious questions: do you enjoy the core gameplay of Splatoon and want to engage with it in a unique way? And (I stress this is the more critical of the two questions) do you have a stomach for doing the same thing over and over until you get it right? Normally, I don’t. With so many games to experience, I’d rather be dead than retread. Wasted time is wasted time. However, I wanted to keep playing this instead of writing about it. Regardless of frustrations, I was inching forward with each attempt (minus the few times I tried something stupidly experimental). It will probably have its tentacles on me for at least a little longer. I’m dying to see what’s at the top of the spire.